Yoga 2.0

This post was directly inspired by the show Indian Matchmaking, which my parents and I have been glued to recently. None of us has ever been through the matchmaking process – my parents met in university, and I am married to my coursework (I have officially been accepted to a Master’s programme!). So for us three, this show has been an enthralling glimpse into a completely different world.

But the most compelling, strange aspect of the show for me isn’t the matchmaking. It’s not the face reader or the astrologer who drones about Venus and hands out magic sapphires the size of potatoes. Oh no. It’s the goat yoga. Although it only featured in one first-date scene toward the end of Season 1, the concept of goat yoga blew my mind.

I had heard of other riffs on yoga, of course. Hot yoga, which appears to be yoga done in a Finnish sauna in order to sweat out evil from your chakras. Beer yoga, even, which lets you unlock your chakras by getting you massively drunk. Chakras, by the way, feature very heavily in all these yoga forms. Personally, I know very little about chakras beyond the fact that absolutely integral to your spiritual health, but if you have more than seven you should probably contact your primary care physician.

But goat yoga is a step beyond all of these. I found myself utterly fascinated by the thought process of its creator. Somewhere out in the world, somebody looked at people breathing deeply and stretching into Downward Dog, and thought, “You know what this needs? Some very small goats wandering around and nibbling on the participants’ toes.” This brings forth a whole new set of questions. Are the goats aware that they are in a yoga session? Do they actively attempt to participate? Do goats have chakras?

Furthermore, if a woman on a farm in Oregon can bring something so groundbreaking as goat yoga into the world, what is stopping me from following in her footsteps? Do I not have chakras too?

So, after a great deal of careful thought (and a lot of sour gummy candies), I have come up with my own proposals for new yoga forms:

• Tiger yoga: This is like goat yoga, but a lot more exciting and intensive. Tigers have long been a symbol of Indian culture, so they’re thematically perfect. You will be sure to open all your chakras, and possibly a head wound or two, with tiger yoga.
• Yoga 2.0: What are the two most popular things in Silicon Valley? From my experience: yoga, and computers. So why not combine them? Participants will get the opportunity to troubleshoot Docker daemon failures and debug failed API calls in PHP while in the cobra position. This may not cure your severe blue-light-induced eye strain, but it sure will improve your balance.
• Yogurta: Learn how to make your own yogurt while doing yoga. You are guaranteed to become cultured, in more than one way.
• Viking yoga: This is a personal dream of mine, as someone who is an absolute fanatic about medieval Norse history and mythology. Imagine the spiritual power you could channel using your false-Damascus steel blade to sacrifice a horse to Fréyr, all while maintaining child’s pose. Just don’t show the goats.